Sunday, May 16, 2010

The trouble with meltdowns (Cont'd)

I know, I know, I haven't posted since Friday.
Please stop nagging; I can't take the pressure!
I simply haven't been up to blogging.
You see, after a meltdown, I'm in a very subdued mood.
And subdued is putting it mildly insofar as the mood I've been in of late.
I tried taking a sleeping aid again on Friday night, hoping it would have the same beneficial effect as I derived from it on Wednesday night.
Once again, I saw every two / two and half hours all night long.
And that left me groggy and dragged out all day Saturday.
I actually went to bed some time around 7:15pm last night and again I was awake every two / two and half hours (at one point, I stayed up and read for a few hours).
Got up for the day at around 5:15am and my leg cramps were so bad I was very upset because now I can add that to my aches and pains.
And that got my worry wheel going because I'm getting quite concerned as to why the cramping is becoming so bad.
I don't know if its indicative of anything and I don't know who to discuss it with:  my doctor is doing the testing but each test takes time and there's the waiting until the next appointment.
This business of "process of elimination" is enough to make one crazy.
If the latest bloodwork rules out diabetes as the cause, then we're left with yet another mystery as to what the hell is causing the problem.
Now when I say the cramps are getting bad, I don't mean they are becoming annoying.
I mean they are becoming disabling.
Previously, I had difficulty moving around or standing still because my hips caused problems.
Now, in addition to the pain in my hips, I have difficulty walking or standing still because my calves are screaming in pain.
This is a new phenomenon.
And it's new since I'm taking "a very innocuous" blood pressure medication.
Innocuous for some, maybe.
But this is me, queen of reactions.
So today, by the time John got up, I was again in tears because I'm really tired.
I'm tired of being in pain.
I'm tired of waking up tired.
And most of all, I'm tired of being depressed.
I don't sustain depressions very well; it's time for it to be over.
I have declared an end to the depression.
One theory is that I should be using a sleep aid every night.  Perhaps I should be.  But if it doesn't help me get uninterrupted sleep, I really don't see the point in taking it.
But it's sleep deprivation that kick-starts a meltdown, and it's the meltdown that plunges me into a depression.
I'll try a sleep aid again for the next couple of nights and see what happens.
I have to do something so that I don't keep getting so thoroughly sleep deprived.

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