Wednesday, June 9, 2010

It happened again ...

Yup, it did.
I pushed myself too far, and the inevitable happened.
I hit the wall.
And when I hit the wall, I have a meltdown.
This one wasn't (isn't) quite as dramatic as past ones have been, or were while I was coming out of that horrid withdrawal episode.
But it is nevertheless hard for me to deal with, on a mental level.
Naturally, when I got home from the dentist yesterday, I was tired.
That had been my second consecutive day of making the round trip into Ottawa.
I can't do that at the best of times.
And this isn't yet the best of times for me because my body is still struggling to get back on track with all it has been through in the past six months.
Anyway, I probably should have resorted to taking a sleep aid last night.
But I didn't do that.
I just went to bed, dog tired.
Even my eyelids hurt!  (John laughed at me when I complained about that as I drifted off to sleep.)
Of course, I had to endure my usual wake-up calls throughout the night -- every two/two and a half hours, right on cue.
When I woke this morning, I was having a fight in my head -- with my doctor.
Everything is his fault, you know.  (It isn't really, but when I'm heading into a meltdown, there's no accounting for what my psyche can dream up.)
Before "officially" starting my day, I approached my morning with my usual routine:  get coffee; read the newspaper (whilst icing my hips); have breakfast.
While we were having breakfast, I tried to tell John that a meltdown was coming.
And it happened.
The meltdown.
The tears started as I tried to explain to him how frustrating it is for me NOT to be able to physically handle what would seem to be a relatively light life's schedule.  (The prospect of our planning even a three-day trip this summer is evidently out of the question, so my disability is negatively affecting John's enjoyment of life too.)
I mean really.  What did I do?
  • I ran some errands on Sunday and felt really good about the fact that I was able to do so without incurring agonizing pain.
  • I went into Ottawa on Monday for my physiotherapy appointment and combined some social visits around the outing (something that makes the trip "worth while" I think).
  • I went into Ottawa on Tuesday for that dental appointment, something that was unexpected but necessary (hell, shit happens and sometimes you just have to go that extra mile).
And today, Wednesday, I have a meltdown.
Obviously, because I'm fatigued.
It's fairly evident I'm not yet ready for prime time.
Now intellectually, I know that one of the reasons I'm so fatigued -- other than that extra trip into Ottawa -- is because I don't get restful sleep.
And my lack of restful sleep has been a problem for many years.  It's not a new issue.
The question becomes:  How long can I function on a continuing sleep deficit before these meltdowns become disabling?
The meltdowns are making me crazy.  I don't like what goes on in my head each time I experience one.
Frankly, I've had enough of this nonsense.
I want a life.  Just like I used to have (although the memory of that is beginning to fade).

No comments: