Fifteen sleeps to go ...

That's all that's left until my date with the surgeon.

I must say that as the date moves closer, I'm experiencing some degree of anxiety.

I've had the pre-admission session, and the pre-hab class, both of which helped somewhat to lessen the fear because, after all -- knowledge IS power.  

But my sleep has become quite disturbed of late -- nightmares, waking up crying etc.  I can only attribute that to the anxiety over the impending surgery.

Normally, I remember my dreams vividly.  Not now though.

All I can recall in the morning is that I had wakened during the night in a state of fright.

When I wake from the dream, I'm aware of the dangerous situation that caused the fear response, but the memory is gone by morning.  Sometimes, I lay awake for quite some time before I calm down enough to go back to sleep.  Still, I can't recall the specifics of the bad dream the next morning -- only that I had a bad dream.

Perhaps that's a good thing.

My physiotherapist had warned me that I would likely go through a period of doubting the need for surgery.  Her husband had certainly gone through that phase and she assured me that most people would.  She said the doubt started shortly after getting the call confirming an actual surgery date.

She was right.  I've been having those doubts for quite some time now.  Assessing and reassessing myself every day.  Wondering if it's really necessary to go through surgery when I can do so much more now than I could six months ago.

The stationary biking has improved ME so much it's unbelievable.  The overall benefit to me has been profound indeed.

And of course the CPAP machine has also made a tremendous difference to my general well-being.

Because I'm feeling sooooooo much better overall, I often find myself wondering if I really do need this hip replaced.

Then I try to move a certain way (long stride forward, or pivot, or do the splits, or squat) and I find out that -- yes, I still have a bad hip.

I simply have much stronger leg muscles as a result of the 60 minutes I spend on the stationary bike every day.

My massage therapist has noticed the definition in my hamstring muscles.

And I just recently noticed that I've developed "bikers' calves."

All this will help me tremendously through my rehab -- and I know that.

I also know that when it's all over and done with, I'll be without the constant pain in my left hip joint.

In fact, as I understand it, I'll wake from the surgery without that familiar pain (although there will be pain associated with the surgical site).

I guess the fear comes from knowing that it's surgery.

And surgery of any kind, at any time, for any reason is a risk.

And I will have to endure the six weeks to three months (perhaps longer) rehab.